Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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