Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
