I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Green mimosas i think yes
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
