i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
This house was built for laser tag.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
