yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
