Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
is wine microwaveable?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
