Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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