I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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