I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Found the puke drawer
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
