I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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