Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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