You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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