Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
