she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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