absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
