I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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