You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
