I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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