i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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