Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
