I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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