I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
