So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Hello my rib-scented angel!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
