she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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