i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Everyone says I win the strip club
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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