I can't breathe out the right side of my face
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My penis needs a shock collar
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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