hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
