Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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