i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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