that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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