Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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