You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
