Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
