Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize