I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
