omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
