i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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