I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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