Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
