You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
