Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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