someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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