He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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