My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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