I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
