Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
