So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize