i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
