maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
