I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
