Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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