My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
