I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
