On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
