four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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