Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
