if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
