my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think I won the penis lottery.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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