dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
