toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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